7 Estate Planning Myths You’ll Hear at Thanksgiving Dinner (and How to Gently Correct Them)
Thanksgiving is one of the few times each year when multiple generations sit around the same table, passing plates and stories. It’s also when the “family experts” confidently share what they’ve heard from a neighbor’s CPA’s cousin about wills, trusts, and taxes.
A lot of that advice is… not great.
Here are 7 estate planning myths you’re likely to hear over Thanksgiving dinner, plus some simple ways to respond without turning the mashed potatoes into a courtroom drama.
Myth #1: “We don’t have enough money to need a trust.”
You might hear this right after someone jokes, “When I die, just toss my stuff in a pile in the yard.”
The reality:
Estate planning is not just for the ultra-wealthy. In California, even modest estates can get dragged through probate, which is:
Public
Slow
Expensive
Stressful for the family at an already tough time
A revocable living trust can:
Keep things private
Avoid probate
Smoothly transfer the family home and other assets
Protect young or financially inexperienced beneficiaries
What you can say at the table:
“You know, it’s less about how much you have and more about making it easy for the people you love. Even a house and some savings can be enough to cause a legal mess without a plan.”
Myth #2: “My kids will figure it out when I’m gone.”
This usually comes from the “I don’t want to think about it” relative, often while they’re reaching for seconds.
The reality:
Your kids will figure it out — but probably by hiring lawyers, going to court, and possibly arguing with each other. “Let them figure it out” usually means:
Delays in accessing money to pay bills and final expenses
Confusion over who gets what
Hurt feelings (“Why do you get the house?”)
Potential long-term damage to relationships
What you can say at the table:
“Honestly, not making decisions is still making a decision — you’re just choosing court and conflict by default. A basic plan is one of the kindest gifts you can give us.”
Myth #3: “Everything automatically goes to my spouse, so I’m covered.”
This one shows up once someone mentions “community property” between bites of stuffing.
The reality:
It depends heavily on:
How your assets are titled
Whether you have a blended family
How California law impacts your separate vs. community property
Without proper planning, you can end up with:
A surviving spouse having to share assets with children from a prior marriage
A court deciding who gets what
The wrong people inheriting at the wrong time
What you can say at the table:
“It doesn’t always ‘just go’ to your spouse. It really depends how things are set up. A will or trust lets you decide intentionally instead of relying on default laws written for strangers.”
Myth #4: “I wrote my wishes in a notebook. That’s good enough.”
This comes from the DIYer who also insists they can fix the dishwasher with a butter knife.
The reality:
Informal notes, emails, or “letters of intent” are not the same as legally enforceable documents. They can be helpful to guide your family emotionally, but:
They usually don’t meet legal requirements for a will or trust
Financial institutions won’t rely on them alone
They can spark disputes (“Mom told me something different!”)
What you can say at the table:
“That notebook is a great start, but it’s more like a draft. You’d still want a proper will or trust so the law actually backs up what you wrote.”
Myth #5: “If I put my kid on the house or bank account, that solves everything.”
This myth often comes with: “My friend did it and it worked fine!”
The reality:
Adding a child to title or an account can create big problems:
Taxes: You may be making a large taxable gift without realizing it, or worse, giving your child a capital gains problem after they inherit.
Liability: If your child gets sued, divorced, or has creditor issues, your house or account could be at risk.
Family fairness: One child on the account may keep everything, even if you intended to split it equally.
A properly drafted trust or beneficiary designation usually works much better and avoids these risks.
What you can say at the table:
“It seems simple, but it can backfire. There are safer ways to make sure they can help you and still share things fairly when you’re gone.”
Myth #6: “I did a will years ago. I’m done.”
This one pops up right after someone proudly announces, “I checked that off my list 15 years ago!”
The reality:
Life changes. Your estate plan should change with it. You should review your plan when there are:
Births, deaths, or marriages in the family
Divorces or remarriages (especially blended families)
Significant changes in health or finances
Moves to a different state
New laws that affect taxes or probate
Old documents can:
Name the wrong people as guardians, executors, or trustees
Leave out new spouses/unmarried partners/stepchildren/grandchildren
Give control to ex-spouses or people you’re no longer close to
What you can say at the table:
“That’s great that you did it. But if it’s older than your youngest grandkid, it might be time for a checkup. Think of it like a financial oil change.”
Myth #7: “Talking about this will ruin Thanksgiving.”
This is the big one — the emotional myth behind all the others.
The reality:
Talking about your wishes is not morbid; it’s an act of love. Done well, it:
Reduces anxiety about the unknown
Builds trust and clarity among family members
Prevents future hurt feelings and surprises
Lets you share the “why” behind your decisions
You don’t need to go into dollar amounts or read your will out loud. Even saying, “We’ve worked with an attorney, we have a plan, here’s generally how it will work, and we love you,” can bring tremendous peace.
What you can say at the table:
“We don’t have to get into the weeds, but this is exactly the kind of time when we can talk about what matters most. It’s about taking care of each other, not about being gloomy.”
How to Bring This Up Without Being “That” Relative
A few practical tips if you want to open the door during Thanksgiving:
Pick your moment. Don’t launch into probate stories during the first bite of turkey. Dessert or a quieter moment with a smaller group is usually better.
Lead with care, not fear. Focus on love, gratitude, and wanting to make life easier for the family.
Ask questions, don’t lecture. Try: “Have you two done any estate planning?” or “If something happened, do you feel like things are set up how you’d want?”
Offer help, not pressure. “If you ever want to talk to someone about it, I know a good estate planning attorney who works with families all the time.”
A Gentle Next Step
If your Thanksgiving conversations reveal that:
There’s no will or trust
The plan is very old
No one knows where documents are
Everyone’s relying on guesses and myths
…that’s a sign it may be time for a proper review with a qualified estate planning attorney, especially in the state where your family member lives.
You don’t have to solve everything between the turkey and the pie. But planting the seed this Thanksgiving can save your family a lot of stress, conflict, and expense down the road — and that’s something everyone can be grateful for.